It is impossible to write about grief, so instead I’ll write about Chad. His big heart had a short life. He was 24 when he died in 2017; he’d have been 29 this Thursday, October 7. There is no easy life with addiction; there is no easy life when the people you love are gone.
The other day my 7 year old granddaughter was frustrated by the loss of her go0gly eyes into her silver slime. Nothing could be retrieved. She began to talk to her 3 year old sister about “big emotions.” Big emotions…I’d been having them all week. Unable to know them, only to recognize them. Love, grief, anger, regret, happiness, sorrow, longing, resignation….how many more? In the end, I wrote a poem about getting caught in that riptide of language.
Big Emotions Come
Big emotions come like a riptide
before I see what it is, I am under.
I can think of what to do, but not always
follow what I know. I paddle parallel
to the shore and away to the unknown.
My mouth is wide open but nothing
comes out. Just trying to breathe
can take everything out of me.
I have always been so determined
in the face of it all, but these emotions
come crashing when I expect
them least. Still, my legs are so hard
and steady, I imagine myself swimming
forever, sea creatures under me
and behind, everywhere threats and uncertainty
while I move as best I can.
What else is there in the wake
of the big emotions, the ones
I can barely name, my mouth spitting salt
eyes full of tears but the hold
of the current releasing me slowly
and certainly to something less wild.